Grace in Operation (The Frequency of Bliss that Lives in me)

When we fall flat, divine in thy own time. rise, again -

For time, when gone for so long, forgotten, broken. 

Decide when by desperation, that this time, this time, is the last.

For future and past are only divided by time, to converge here and now,

Here and now, where we begin again.

I don’t choose this design, this space in time.

It’s not by seeing but by feeling, feeling truly

that I rise.

Because I am no more rock than ocean wave.

Whether lapping or lying dormant and having been shaped by forces forged

in space and time.

I defend and define the space of my mind,

Whether lost and callous, blessed in solace, these words

framed, detained, and renamed Grace.

Because it is Grace where I begin again.

It is Grace where, my name spoken in a whisper, will echo desire,

will simmer steam and smoke in the fire

of Begin Again.

These words my center, begotten treasures of light,

For now spoken, take me home.

Because remember, I am no more rock than ocean wave.

And this day is no less promised than forgotten.

-BL

2011

Well it is 2011 and I figure time is about right for a blog post. Life is good. Coaching, working, momming it. Its all good. I am lucky.

Maitake Mushroom

They are 12.99 a pound. I got one of these 'hens of the woods' at Wegmans just now and it was only like 2 dollars a shroom.  so i have it chopped up, butter simmering and now they are simmering in the butter. they have a very woodsy earthy aroma and i'm looking forward to tasting it...just added a little salt. the aroma is very pungent, almost offensive, but not quite....this is a work in progress. i'll tell you how it goes.  just tried a bite...AMAZING, wow they are so yummy indeed, such a strong taste with a sweet after taste... i recommend them. 2 thumbs up, thanks jess for the great recommendation.

Silence does

Silence does take me out of the waterways and the broken days
and plops me back where stillness lays, where stillness lays
i never knew a quiet way, a quiet day, a broken way

this ever knowing movement of over and over again
this ever moving moment of lovers again
I take it and leave it
I leave it and run.

Sitting between writers, between fighters and broken dreams
between this and that and tit for tat
i wonder where the broken breaking lies

where drafts meet finals, meet mine eyes

i think the angels of the west are calling me although i am never without reason to quell the desire for radical change.

i think i am one broken dream away from buying some really strong super glue.

silence does take me where wilderness does stake me in for the count

in for the roundabout realism of this and now
of take me and leave now

silence does leave me on a stream of evermore consciousness

If only if only if only, i would stop the ever shallow drought of thinking
of taking leave of this place, for beauty and leave me out in the cold where the wolves doth play

i am a thief of dreams and my words, though unsteady as they seem
bring me back to what really matters
to that place before thoughts form, before form becomes itself completely
Eckart Tolle calls it consciousness.
I just pray for syncronicity, for happenstance, and good chance meetings.
I pray for good luck and things falling into place.
For the sun in my eyes and for moments without words
for listening to my breath
for dreams

Writers Block

she weathered words that fell upon
a quiet earth, a ripened dawn
she soothed the spirits, quelled the beast
that hovered hungry for the feast
of silence, stillness, quiet mirth
of taking that which she held first

a time for poetry and verse
she and the universe conversed
"Well give me beauty, heal my sight,
protect me from that monster's might"

and words and words like rippled glass
did moor the vessle she rode fast
into the twilight where upon
she struggled quietly till dawn

now pages, pages at her breast
she'd wrote the tale that told the rest
of how to quell a noisy foe
and find the words that we all know
to satisfy the earthly urge
to recreate, the beast now purged.

Dreams: Part II

To take one's meager sleeping dreams
and cast them up into the beams
to shadow them against the light
and ponder them, your given right
to second guess, to tiptoe back
and realize they were good as black
dark as night, without the light,
these dreams, of ignorance delight?

"No, they're real", you quell, you fight,
"My dreams are all within my sight"

But who does call a dream a dream
when all a person ever needs
are simple things, are quiet minds
(Tolle, wow you've got me this time.)

So why the romance, how the skill
of rolling mountains up a hill.
Do dreams die fast a quiet death
if ignored, if given rest?

I dream, I dream, I dream, I dream
that if ignored, I must, I might
save these dreams I keep tonight.

Dreams: Part 1

Upon the sands, upon the shore
she raised her head from evermore
and in the distance came the rush
of waves, of waves, then heckled hush
of all eternity, her will
to rise, to rise, against the spill
of constant looming evermore
of constant looming evermore
she took to land and cursed the shore
that promised her that evermore
that evermore, that evermore
that promised life with nothing more.

When once

When once a folly friended fell fearless
when once a likened lover lay listless
when once a shallow savored sweet doth shiver unsheathed
words electrified words electrified verbs
begotten of mirth and good will
begotten of unskilled luck and that folly
that doth rain upon the spirit in times of trouble

I lay listless, I fearless fall
this sweet heir of bliss
this sweet bearing miss
me not
not take me down
but evermore upon the whistled palm doth rise and raise
the spirit fall flown, far flung
angels in the dust doth tell me otherwise
doth tell me there are wisdom poles and withered roles
we play and to our dismay this weathered day doth end
and we rise again

How to de-clutter

There are many approaches to this. Some people suggest starting small, dumping a drawer, sorting through it bit by bit. Others say start in a room, look around and get rid of what you really don't need. The rule of thumb seems to be, if you haven't used it in 6 months, you probably never will (unless it is a seasonal item, then it is said, if you haven't used it in a year).

This is all good advice. But I found my own way to de-clutter. I have taken on a whole house at once, walking from room to room, boxing up items I didn't need with the intention of donating them to a thrift store.

An example, I had 4 spatulas. Four! Who needs 4 spatulas? Mind you I am not cooking 7 course meals with all 4 burners of the stove going at once. So I narrowed it down to 2 spatulas.

Also, books. This is where I did my most de-cluttering. I am an avid reader. I have a degree in English and the books have been following me since I was in third grade. I took a hefty couple of boxes to the thrift store and said my goodbyes. I find that I don't miss them a bit. And if I do end up missing them, I can always take them out at my local libary. Turns out, my book cleaning cleared up 3 bookshelves (that were also donated and cleared from my house).

Another area in my life that needed (and still needs) quite a bit of de-cluttering are my clothes. I haven't counted my t-shirts, but I must have over 25. Being that I do wash every week, I really don't need 25 t-shirts. So I boxed the ones up I knew I really wouldn't wear or haven't worn recently and sent them off to thrift.

The visual disturbance of clutter and too much stuff can stifle a person. Too much stuff holds one back from moving on to new projects, new adventures. Not to mention the time it takes to clean and clean around all of that stuff takes away precious hours of your life.

I had a dresser so covered in knick-knacks and dust that I got anxious whenever I walked by it. You know what I mean. There is that area in your house that is just plain scary. Why not clean it out?

It is actually reducing stress in my life by there being less things in my way. Things really do hold you back and I am learning for the first time in my life, how wonderful it feels to go minimal.

You can do it to. Tell me about your adventures in de-cluttering.

Smaller Living while packing for vacation? Is it possible?

Honestly, it is not really that possible to not bring stuff with me to the mountains.

We are going to the Adirondacks for 10 days. We need to bring our own food. Enough said.

I acknowledge that I will have numerous duffle bags of 'stuff' but there still are ways for me to cut down on my stuff.

- Do I really need to bring a razor to shave my legs? I say no, let's go mountain style

- Do I really need to bring 10 sets of clothes. No. Luckily there is a local laundrymat where I can wash my clothes. I will bring 5 sets and do wash once.

- Do I really need to bring all of this food with me? Yes. Food is hard to come by and is expensive up in the mountains. Not to mention your choice of fresh foods is very limited.

- What about all of the various sundries, like a camera, books to read, a journal. Are they worth the extra weight? Definitely. These are 'things' I value. Things that speak to my soul.

Remember, unless it is not serving a direct (and very important) purpose, or it does not speak to your soul, you probably don't need it.

While vacationing, I have to take my mini-life with me and I acknowledge that a lot of stuff will be in tow.

On an amazing note, I met a wonderful guy named Darrel through craigslist. He offered to take 3 bookshelves and an old tv stand off me. I was happy to oblige. He is at least 6 feet tall and he moves like a gazell with his long hair bobbing with each step. He moved the bookshelves on a skateboard that he convienently had in the back of his Grand Cherokee. "This is how I usually move my amp", he told me. He told me he just got married and is expecting a child in January. He drank a cold bottle of water after fitting everything in his truck, and thanked me with a sincere nod. "Thanks Breanne". I know that my stuff went to the right person. Its funny how thing just work out.

Choosing a Life

If someone would have told me in college that choosing a career is of the utmost importance, I probably would have shrugged them off. After all, I was free to make what ever choices I wanted. I had the comfort of living at home, close to rent-free, my food and utilities (and childcare) were provided free of charge by my parents. Choosing a career seemed like just another step on the path to college graduation.

Then the excitement and anticipation of working in the 'real world' was suddenly crushed when I realized that I really did have to sit at this desk for 8 hours a day, that I really was responsible to pay bills, to pay for a new car, and to pay utilities.

The focus then went on getting out of my parent's house as quickly as I could and 'getting out on my own'. 4 years into a glorified desk job (and with a substantial weight gain), I had moved up in my career to where I could afford my own housing for myself and my son.

Now that I have the job, the car, the apartment (and the larger waistline), I am suddenly unhappy again, unhappy with what has become my status quo.

I don't want the desk job, I don't want the car payments, I don't want the monthly rent. I want something bigger, something intangible yet comprehendible. Living independently in the 'real world' is not all it is cracked up to be. I am on the 'work-spend' treadmill and I want to get off. I just don't know my next bold move. Should I pursue massage therapy, oriental healing, a freelance photography venture, or maybe a poetry gig or find myself a farm I can buy with my life savings (that is well under 10,000 dollars).

The answer is that, I am not sure.

I am not sure which direction to go in.

I could:
a) suck it up and work at my well-paying desk job
b) fly the coop without a plan, hippie style (not a good plan with a child)
or c) plan some grand exit plan from the wheel of misfortune that I call 'working for the man' and slide into an independent minimalist lifestyle

I think C is my best option. I just have to formulate the plan. I feel like this is as hard as trying to 'take over the world'.

I just need to remember that I do not take care of the universe, it takes care of me.

So here I go.

I've already started my journey by reading a lot from people who have succeeded at a jump from the wheel. I am talking to friends, reading minimalist and simple living blogs, changing my diet to not include animal protein, trying to buy local whenever I can, ridding my home of clutter and chaos, downsizing my possessions to the bare essentials (I still have a ways to go), stashing away savings any chance I can get, planning to possibly pay off my car or my college loan (or both if I can scrounge enough money together).

I guess the jist is that I am making progress and I need to stop and see that. I just have such a sense of urgency with this project. I feel like I should be farther along than I am, but I cannot quit my job cold turkey, it would put my life into financial shock. So I happily move forward to re-creating my life to better suit myself and my son. Material things have become too primary in our lives. My son doesn't understand the value of money, my own sanity is on the brink. I need change and I need it yesterday.

Let's end this blog post on a positive note. I can do this. I can figure out a plan and a solution, just like I have done before (going through college, choosing a career, moving out of my parent's house, raising a son). I have dealt with many challenges in my life already, this one is no different. It is just multifaceted. There are many components involved and like Indiana Jones, I have to watch my step. Each step is a choice and each choice brings me closer to that ellusive dream of independence and freedom.

Minimal Living while raising a Child

As I slowly but surely downsize my life I creep closer and closer to the point that I am secretly dreading: cleaning up my son's 'stuff'. He is a self-proclaimed 9 year-old hoarder and he loves everything from scraps of paper years old, to toys he hasn't played with in years. I've sat him down and talked to him about his stuff and he has agreed to get rid of 'any baby toys' he has, so we have a jumping off point.

We are going on vacation to the mountains this weekend, but when we return, we'll start sorting through and hopefully idenfity lots and lots baby toys. :)

I also need to talk to my family about slowing down on the spending. Gabe is an only child and an only nephew, only grandchild, only great-grandchild, so he tends to be spoiled quite a bit with what ever he seems to want. So I think the problem runs deeper than just stuff, it runs into how we treat him as a person and what we expect of him. I think that this downsizing is opening up new and wonderful adventures that are shaping the way I raise my son. It is forcing me to question how I deem value of items and things and I hope this rubs off on my son a bit.

I read somewhere on a blog that only items that 'move and stir your soul' should really be preserved. If that is the case then I will be saving my guitar for future ventures.

I put the 3 wooden bookshelves that I recently emptied, on craigslist as 'free' so I am hoping for a quick response from an interested party.

After vacation I'll continue to dig in and simplify my life.

I am working to buy local organic produce (thanks to Wegmans Market) and I am only eating fish as my meat source, but if I have my way I will be a full-fledged vegan very soon. I just have to give up the delictable salmon burgers that seem to be a staple in my diet.

The ponderings of one stuck in the corporate mold

Well it is Monday. Four days until vacation in the mountains which I am really looking forward too. I have a case of the Monday Blues though. My job is suffocating my spirit. I am putting it out in the universe now more than ever that I need something more fulfilling. Even unemployment would be doable. I am writing out my pain so it is evident to myself in some future point when I re-read this, how palpable my disdain for the corporate world really is. I think it is the lack of freedom that hurts me the most. I like my freedom and my ability to create, and sans this blog and other sundry writing ventures I sneak in during the work day, there is very little freedom otherwise. Although if I turn it around, I am blessed the freedom to express myself although it is on their dime. I would like to do it on my own dime. On my own. A room of one's own.

I've started reading 'The Artists Way' a blockbuster for those in the creative arts. I am excited to delve deeper into it and discover some more of my talents and be given the opportunity to express myself. I think that is what is lacking in the corporate world, a wholesome opportunity to truely be one's own self. There is a mold to be fit into, and it is rigid and uncomfortable. The paycheck is what keeps one uncomfortably pressed into the mold. It is only through these stolen minutes of creativity that I feel fulfilled at work. Otherwise, when I am actually doing what I am being paid to do, there is little solace or unity or sense of true self. I must steal moments and make them my own. I wonder how Karma fits into all of this. I am not a thief, I am someone merely trying to find a route to true survival. But for 8 hours a day I am expected to conform. I am not a conformist, I am a being with higher needs. "Be the change you want to see in the world." That is how the mantra goes. Well one step at a time, I am doing what I can to free myself from the corporate shackles. They are suffocating and degrading and just plain bad news for the soul.

I am a thief of freedom.

Sunday

Well all is well. Gabe is with Pop-Pop looking for a new bike and watching a new Harry Potter movie. I just had a great salad for lunch and I am looking around a house that is chaotic at best. You see, the thrift stores are closed today and I have no where to donate my many de-cluttered items. I also have 3 bookshelves that are empty and waiting to be taken out. My house is a bit of a disaster zone at the minute which is ironic since I am cleaning and purging so many things in order to obtain the opposite effect. All is well but I feel stuck, I am not sure which direction to go in now. I think I'll continue hoarding up the stuff to give away. And we go on vacation this coming weekend so I need to get packing. All in good time. I must also admit I am a little depressed that tomorrow is Monday and that is work day. I am in the process of calling out to the universe for a more fulfilling job and I am taking it one day at a time. I have to give this big part of my life over to the powers that be. I am not in control. I just ask the universe to provide me something more rich and full of life.

well I've done it. I've pared down my book collection to one shelf. Mind you Jeannette Winterson occupies about a quarter of the books I now call my own. I took a third load over to Impact thrift store today and my apartment is starting to look clean and sleek. Less mess, less clutter. I don't think I can pare down to pure minimalist standards, especially while raising a child, but I can get pretty close. My next step is to get rid of 3 empty book shelves that are littering my small apartment. Going to Wegmans tonight for some organic veggies, soy milk, tofu and various healthful sundries. I've been a pescatarian for about a month now. No beef, pork or poultry, only fish. I also am off dairy. I think I am doing this all for moral reasons. I am reading a book called Slaughterhouse and the conditions and processes in slaughterhouses are so unbelievable and horrendous that I've given up all meat. Not to mention the meat is dirty and very poorly regulated by the USDA. I would go vegan but salmon burgers, my favorite, are keeping me from it. Maybe later on I'll give up fish if entertained by the right argument against it.
Another book I am reading which I highly recommend is "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver. It's about her family's 1 year adventure of only eating local foods, farming their foods, and living in Appalachia. She describes the fresh rhubarb so beautifully that I find myself staring at it in the grocery store dreamily. And eggplant too..

Summer

It is Summer! How wonderful. The days are beautiful and the nights are cool. Working to purge my life of my stuff. A work in progresss. Working to eat organic pescatarian, no beef, poultry or pork. A work in progress. Working to excercise more, swimming and walking. You guessed it, a work in progress. But there is progress! Hooray! I have been re-evaluating so much in my life. I am in a good place. Namaste!

Day 3

I am on Day 3 of my abstinence from excessive sugar and flour. I am following a food plan and corresponding with others in my program. Things are going well. We are going out tonight to buy an elliptical which I am excited about. Things are good and I am getting better. I have a lot of weight to lose (about 120 lbs) but I am taking my time and making a lifestyle change. My health is becoming important to me and I want to reflect good health by my 30th birthday. This is my goal. Good health to you too!

Dear Lord

I can't believe its been since August since I last posted. Well things are well. I am in a new phase of change and recovery and I am grateful for so many reasons. Things are good and getting better. I wish you a great New Year and many joys and peace. More soon...xoxo

Ida Maria 'Oh my God'

you must listen to this. Thanks libby for finding it for me....xoxo

Oh My God - Ida Maria

coffee

I'd like a vowel please. I'd also like to put my head down on this desk and fall asleep. Lucky for me, I have Electrelane 'Birds' to keep my ear-to-brain connection strong and sweet (like my coffee).

There was once a perfect day, a day without issues or pain. A day like no other, no other day.

She shifted gears and thrusted forward into the sunset, smoke from her insense burning in the ashtray.

A cup half empty. A sun half full. A rise on the horizon, a stream of reds and oranges.

Her jeans hugging her small thighs.

Her tank top flittering in the breeze.

Her short black hair blowing back.

Her sunglasses doing their job.

Love you.