what twists

what twists and turns vertical
what lies still and moans
what shell is taken, is broken open
what air is rich and deadly

where silence bares to tread
to kill such pain
to reduce the world to a vision unclear
to laugh at it all and surrender grinning
to a firing squad of chance

you took people with you though
it wasn't just you holding up the weight of the world's pain
you just passed it on

and if you didn't mean it,
then who cared enough to intervene
why did you not have the insight enough
to grow up

i hate you and i love you
and you are probably laughing at all of this
but i hope it kills you inside like you have done to us

and i hope you find the peace you were looking for.
that's the bottom line, i hope you have found real peace.

and.......i'm better

the cocktail of meds i take must have just kicked in because i finally feel OK
thanks God

my brain

i am not sure what is wrong with me but i cannot focus. i cannot gather my thoughts enough to answer work emails. it is frustrating and i am not sure what is going on. i am on my normal dose of meds, i am well rested, i have foggy brain though. it may be a remnant of my binges on wednesday and tuesday. i feel like i am floating, like there is not enough oxygen getting to my brain, like i am not really here. and thinking is impossible. i have work to do, i just can't gather my thoughts enough to devise an action plan. i feel overwhelmed. i just wish life would be good. like i would be happy and things would be easier for me. they are not, and i am having to pray to God just to get through normal daily activities. i could fall asleep and things would feel better. i am praying and giving it over to God just to get me through. i feel so close to nothingness and giving up but i don't want to. i just don't want it to be so damn hard. i don't know what is going on other than i cannot do things and everything seems really hard. why??? why can't it just be a little easier, a little more bliss, a little more ease. drugs are they helping me? drugs are they doing what they are supposed to? am i doing what i'm supposed to? i am just trying to keep moving forward. hopefully things get better as the day goes on..

Tom Petty

Learning To Fly - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

to delve backward into wise mind

to be without emotion and to be without rationalization, leaves you in wise mind; a place where things are as they are, not as I am.
emotions can stream through me, like clouds passing through the sky, but i let them go and do not hold on to them. to be removed, but to not be a ghost. do not be a ghost among people. be completely yet be like fluid; again like those clouds. so you become an inner sky of clouds and your body becomes a cloud itself, not clinging to anything, but floating past things are they meet you. and when an emotion arises, I breathe and let it pass, whatever emotion it may be. its a new realm to realize that i am not my emotions, that they do not have to control me, that 'this too' really 'shall pass'. and when they increase in frequency, like the waves of a sea, i just breathe and let them float through and out of me. i give them no mind, no attention and so they move along and i have not acted upon them. when they become strong, i will be tested, strong emotions, like giant waves, but i can't be moved. i will let them pass over me and like any large wave, there may be pain at first. but the emotion is just something that attaches to me in this example like a leech. if i pick it off my skin enough times it will move on to find a new host.

the goal is to not have emotions controlling me. the goal is to have peace of mind. things that control me are not my core. my core is unshakable, is peaceful and free.

to be in a moment of clarity, or wise mind, neither rationalizing nor emotionalizing, is a beautiful moment.

wise mind comes out of nothing and holds nothing and lets everything else go, live wind rolling over a field of grass, rolling away and the grass dances to and fro in the breath. to be without emotion is to be with the truth. emotion changes what is to what can be or what should be, etc. not what is.

she walks along a wooded path
she is barefoot and the moss is soft and cool
there are birds singing
the sunlight is warm through the trees
the soft yellow light dances
she finds an aged stump
the wood has become softened
there are fanned white mushrooms spiraling its base
she sits comfortably
and looks up through the trees at the slowly moving clouds
and she knows she is ok
there is a breeze that moves through her hair
she gets up
and continues to walk along the path
the earth is cool under her feet
the sun is warm
the clouds drift by

to stop

do you understand what it means to not stop tapping your foot
to not be able to focus
to feel pain in your body and think the worst
i am free and i well i am free i am well
but i cannot stop moving
which makes it hard to get any work done
so right now as my legs dance under my desk i'll write about it

one must always have goals
my goal is to ride the MS 150 bike ride this fall like i did last year
my goal is to battle and beat the bulge
my goal is to become stronger
my goal is to work out every day (I'm doing well on this goal)
my goal is to keep having goals
my goal is to enjoy each day, each moment, every second
my goal is to realize that fear is just anticipation, EXCITEMENT
i am happy with what life has given me
i am lucky and i am free
i have strength and hope and drive
and i will love every day, every moment of my life
the beauty of it all really is quite awesome


Skinnier, Faster, Live at the B.P.C.

Melissa Ferrick is playing and I am in bliss

xo my loves

Bonsai Trees

I have always been fascinated with the bonsai tree. I have raised a couple in the past but they take a LOT of work. I'd like to try to raise another one soon.

Japanese Tea Gardens

i take

i take what i cannot give back
i want what i cannot afford
i am free

i lie like the world owes it to me
i run like there's no reason to stop
i fly

this word breaks open the shell
this word ignites the night
this world gives and takes
and smiles

and so do i

Native Americans

I have always been fascinated. I am convinced my Dad is an adopted Native American.

a time

a time worth
she flies
it is said and it is spoken
rise
this sheltered white wall
this breezeway
long corridor and silence
stalking walking the halls
not strapped down but striding
this still bed
this locked window
my hours my life
is on a schedule
the nurse is there
15 minutes my demise
they clock you
watch you and record you
this soft quiet moment alone
this chair this group and the outbursts
the silence and the books
the food and the walls
and the walls
and the walls

i caught myself pacing my day nine
like a wild tiger
circling the walls
tagging one end and pacing to the next
the screams from the other floors
the silence in my brain
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication

10 days broke open
and i wonder if she still is there
waiting for her baby
waiting for a diagnoses
waiting to escape

she is the golden cat now
the stillness and the walls
and i am walking headlong into the wind in February
with my back to the place that made me still

-hc 13feb-23feb