a time

a time worth
she flies
it is said and it is spoken
rise
this sheltered white wall
this breezeway
long corridor and silence
stalking walking the halls
not strapped down but striding
this still bed
this locked window
my hours my life
is on a schedule
the nurse is there
15 minutes my demise
they clock you
watch you and record you
this soft quiet moment alone
this chair this group and the outbursts
the silence and the books
the food and the walls
and the walls
and the walls

i caught myself pacing my day nine
like a wild tiger
circling the walls
tagging one end and pacing to the next
the screams from the other floors
the silence in my brain
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication

10 days broke open
and i wonder if she still is there
waiting for her baby
waiting for a diagnoses
waiting to escape

she is the golden cat now
the stillness and the walls
and i am walking headlong into the wind in February
with my back to the place that made me still

-hc 13feb-23feb