Oh My God - Ida Maria
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
coffee
I'd like a vowel please. I'd also like to put my head down on this desk and fall asleep. Lucky for me, I have Electrelane 'Birds' to keep my ear-to-brain connection strong and sweet (like my coffee).
There was once a perfect day, a day without issues or pain. A day like no other, no other day.
She shifted gears and thrusted forward into the sunset, smoke from her insense burning in the ashtray.
A cup half empty. A sun half full. A rise on the horizon, a stream of reds and oranges.
Her jeans hugging her small thighs.
Her tank top flittering in the breeze.
Her short black hair blowing back.
Her sunglasses doing their job.
Love you.
There was once a perfect day, a day without issues or pain. A day like no other, no other day.
She shifted gears and thrusted forward into the sunset, smoke from her insense burning in the ashtray.
A cup half empty. A sun half full. A rise on the horizon, a stream of reds and oranges.
Her jeans hugging her small thighs.
Her tank top flittering in the breeze.
Her short black hair blowing back.
Her sunglasses doing their job.
Love you.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
mellowocity
she's running down the alley way into the light and toward the steeple in the distance
the sun bursts
the wind whips
she turns around mid-stride
and laughs
in a wedding dress
in over her head running
backwards
really
backwards
and the silence is broken
someone crunches a potato chip in the office
and her heaven of bliss is shattered. she can only listen to the same song so many times. But she pauses and starts it again and tries to dive into its waves so she can be moved by the muses. Prays to the muses to let her in. The muses laugh today and she just hears the song, it does not envelope her. She just feels her breathing and the words come slow. And she cannot reflect and, and, cannot even think of the word...the word means to rise above, trans-something. not transpose or transgress although those are also nice words. diet pepsi without caffeine can only take me so far. and she switches from the third person into the first person and the muses take her under their wing for a moment, love her really for a moment, she is stumbling blindly in the waves and the words don't come out right. where have the years gone. the muses hardly recognize her. A WHOLE OTHER MIND. A foreign mindset. it is a new way to think. and it is hard and it is not coming. some take drugs right about now. fuck drugs.
the sun bursts
the wind whips
she turns around mid-stride
and laughs
in a wedding dress
in over her head running
backwards
really
backwards
and the silence is broken
someone crunches a potato chip in the office
and her heaven of bliss is shattered. she can only listen to the same song so many times. But she pauses and starts it again and tries to dive into its waves so she can be moved by the muses. Prays to the muses to let her in. The muses laugh today and she just hears the song, it does not envelope her. She just feels her breathing and the words come slow. And she cannot reflect and, and, cannot even think of the word...the word means to rise above, trans-something. not transpose or transgress although those are also nice words. diet pepsi without caffeine can only take me so far. and she switches from the third person into the first person and the muses take her under their wing for a moment, love her really for a moment, she is stumbling blindly in the waves and the words don't come out right. where have the years gone. the muses hardly recognize her. A WHOLE OTHER MIND. A foreign mindset. it is a new way to think. and it is hard and it is not coming. some take drugs right about now. fuck drugs.
Electrelane
If you like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Cat Power, then Electrelane will not dissapoint. Her compositions are also similar to PJ Harvey's and her sound is a mellow Silver Sun Pick-ups. love her
She is an amazing electrical, melody-centered, minor-key wonder with a great drummer.
enjoy...
Birds - Electrelane
did I mention, I could listen to this song all day. I actually am today. xoxo
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Still Life
So I feel like I should write an in depth psychological piece on a woman who loves popcorn and who works a job unbefitting to her talents. It would be a satire of course and the woman would love plants, yeah and gardening. Nothing too out of the ordinary; a quite dull piece really.
A still life. And what's wrong with that. What's wrong with a lack of action anyway. You know, those bowls of fruit and cloth draped over wooden tables, grapes strewn in piles and a pear, always a pear. They got famous for just being there. They never did anything other than sit and look delicious.
But the story would take place over only a minute or too, and it would be hundreds of pages, outlining every feeling, every motive, every angle of perspective. A woman smoking a cigarette, a woman stuffing her face with kettlecorn. A child in front of the television for hours.
A still life.
She'd lift her cigarette and think of rain.
He's face down in the shag carpet watching the action.
She's covered in popcorn.
So the point is that theoretically, yes, in theory, the act playing out in my mind is slow and meditative. None of this up and down, over and around; but more now and then now again, and a bit more. Slow and still. The Buddha may approve, or maybe not.
Back and forth, forth and return.
The sun is so warm on my skin. I'll save the theory for the rain and write the next great American novel in the setting of here and now, and over the span of 2 minutes. You'll see.
A still life. And what's wrong with that. What's wrong with a lack of action anyway. You know, those bowls of fruit and cloth draped over wooden tables, grapes strewn in piles and a pear, always a pear. They got famous for just being there. They never did anything other than sit and look delicious.
But the story would take place over only a minute or too, and it would be hundreds of pages, outlining every feeling, every motive, every angle of perspective. A woman smoking a cigarette, a woman stuffing her face with kettlecorn. A child in front of the television for hours.
A still life.
She'd lift her cigarette and think of rain.
He's face down in the shag carpet watching the action.
She's covered in popcorn.
So the point is that theoretically, yes, in theory, the act playing out in my mind is slow and meditative. None of this up and down, over and around; but more now and then now again, and a bit more. Slow and still. The Buddha may approve, or maybe not.
Back and forth, forth and return.
The sun is so warm on my skin. I'll save the theory for the rain and write the next great American novel in the setting of here and now, and over the span of 2 minutes. You'll see.
Monday, July 20, 2009
i've spoken
i've spoken of women thrown out to the tide
of soft wading pools whence poets have died
soft shells and sand, an ocean, a rock
the whirling wind and the days taking stock
a quiet blue ripple moving over the still
lakes, ponds and rivers, my memory's will
take this for granted or take this for not
but the souls of our women will not be forgot
of soft wading pools whence poets have died
soft shells and sand, an ocean, a rock
the whirling wind and the days taking stock
a quiet blue ripple moving over the still
lakes, ponds and rivers, my memory's will
take this for granted or take this for not
but the souls of our women will not be forgot
Friday, June 26, 2009
sitting at a desk
sitting at a desk, shaking my knee, sitting at a desk, going on hour three
sitting at a desk, only so much music I can take, sitting at a desk, will I ever wake.
sitting at a desk, the sky so far away, sitting at a desk, the money makes me stay.
sitting at a desk, I don't know what for, sitting at a desk, I'd like to run out the door.
sitting at a desk, the world passes me by, sitting at a desk, this desk thing could make me cry.
sitting at a desk, I grow older every day, sitting at a desk, oh why oh why do I stay.
sitting at a desk, only so much music I can take, sitting at a desk, will I ever wake.
sitting at a desk, the sky so far away, sitting at a desk, the money makes me stay.
sitting at a desk, I don't know what for, sitting at a desk, I'd like to run out the door.
sitting at a desk, the world passes me by, sitting at a desk, this desk thing could make me cry.
sitting at a desk, I grow older every day, sitting at a desk, oh why oh why do I stay.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
she
she is a palm leaf
like a thousand drops of water running down the fern
like the pulse that comes from the center
the center that brings her breathless
the ocean is vast
and that which causes me to write in code is supreme
like a thousand drops of water running down the fern
like the pulse that comes from the center
the center that brings her breathless
the ocean is vast
and that which causes me to write in code is supreme
she walks
there were once these everywhere women which i speak of softly and with reverence. there were these everywhere seekers, stalkers of the slate.
they, shell-soft walking through the cool sand,
pass the green waving, blue throwing itself toward them.
ended here wrapped in the blue under the blue,
under the sky and caught between. this is a web,
a tangled perfect
i throw myself into the waves.
they, shell-soft walking through the cool sand,
pass the green waving, blue throwing itself toward them.
ended here wrapped in the blue under the blue,
under the sky and caught between. this is a web,
a tangled perfect
i throw myself into the waves.
there lies
there lies these everywhere women
these everywhere God-seeking beauties
I am Jeanette Winterson and I open my mouth wide
in the circling river over the v at her waist
at the ark in her spine forward
where the water ripples I submerge.
Where on the beaches the sands numbered novels, numbered the
cool whitewashed hands pressing into them words,
pressing into them verbs.
this saddled woman, this shell, this river, this hell,
take away the veil, take away the pain,
remove me from the river,
make me whole again.
these everywhere God-seeking beauties
I am Jeanette Winterson and I open my mouth wide
in the circling river over the v at her waist
at the ark in her spine forward
where the water ripples I submerge.
Where on the beaches the sands numbered novels, numbered the
cool whitewashed hands pressing into them words,
pressing into them verbs.
this saddled woman, this shell, this river, this hell,
take away the veil, take away the pain,
remove me from the river,
make me whole again.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
freedom
i've flown the coop, i'm nesting in a new tree
it's freedom, it's free.
i've taken wing, its all on me
it's freedom, it's free.
there are beautiful swirls
there are beautiful vines
and i stand up tall and i know the strength of my own hands
the world is on my shoulders and i flex my arm and smile
'we can do it'
i am able
i am able
it's freedom, it's free.
i've taken wing, its all on me
it's freedom, it's free.
there are beautiful swirls
there are beautiful vines
and i stand up tall and i know the strength of my own hands
the world is on my shoulders and i flex my arm and smile
'we can do it'
i am able
i am able
Monday, May 11, 2009
what twists
what twists and turns vertical
what lies still and moans
what shell is taken, is broken open
what air is rich and deadly
where silence bares to tread
to kill such pain
to reduce the world to a vision unclear
to laugh at it all and surrender grinning
to a firing squad of chance
you took people with you though
it wasn't just you holding up the weight of the world's pain
you just passed it on
and if you didn't mean it,
then who cared enough to intervene
why did you not have the insight enough
to grow up
i hate you and i love you
and you are probably laughing at all of this
but i hope it kills you inside like you have done to us
and i hope you find the peace you were looking for.
that's the bottom line, i hope you have found real peace.
what lies still and moans
what shell is taken, is broken open
what air is rich and deadly
where silence bares to tread
to kill such pain
to reduce the world to a vision unclear
to laugh at it all and surrender grinning
to a firing squad of chance
you took people with you though
it wasn't just you holding up the weight of the world's pain
you just passed it on
and if you didn't mean it,
then who cared enough to intervene
why did you not have the insight enough
to grow up
i hate you and i love you
and you are probably laughing at all of this
but i hope it kills you inside like you have done to us
and i hope you find the peace you were looking for.
that's the bottom line, i hope you have found real peace.
Friday, May 8, 2009
and.......i'm better
the cocktail of meds i take must have just kicked in because i finally feel OK
thanks God
thanks God
my brain
i am not sure what is wrong with me but i cannot focus. i cannot gather my thoughts enough to answer work emails. it is frustrating and i am not sure what is going on. i am on my normal dose of meds, i am well rested, i have foggy brain though. it may be a remnant of my binges on wednesday and tuesday. i feel like i am floating, like there is not enough oxygen getting to my brain, like i am not really here. and thinking is impossible. i have work to do, i just can't gather my thoughts enough to devise an action plan. i feel overwhelmed. i just wish life would be good. like i would be happy and things would be easier for me. they are not, and i am having to pray to God just to get through normal daily activities. i could fall asleep and things would feel better. i am praying and giving it over to God just to get me through. i feel so close to nothingness and giving up but i don't want to. i just don't want it to be so damn hard. i don't know what is going on other than i cannot do things and everything seems really hard. why??? why can't it just be a little easier, a little more bliss, a little more ease. drugs are they helping me? drugs are they doing what they are supposed to? am i doing what i'm supposed to? i am just trying to keep moving forward. hopefully things get better as the day goes on..
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
to delve backward into wise mind
to be without emotion and to be without rationalization, leaves you in wise mind; a place where things are as they are, not as I am.
emotions can stream through me, like clouds passing through the sky, but i let them go and do not hold on to them. to be removed, but to not be a ghost. do not be a ghost among people. be completely yet be like fluid; again like those clouds. so you become an inner sky of clouds and your body becomes a cloud itself, not clinging to anything, but floating past things are they meet you. and when an emotion arises, I breathe and let it pass, whatever emotion it may be. its a new realm to realize that i am not my emotions, that they do not have to control me, that 'this too' really 'shall pass'. and when they increase in frequency, like the waves of a sea, i just breathe and let them float through and out of me. i give them no mind, no attention and so they move along and i have not acted upon them. when they become strong, i will be tested, strong emotions, like giant waves, but i can't be moved. i will let them pass over me and like any large wave, there may be pain at first. but the emotion is just something that attaches to me in this example like a leech. if i pick it off my skin enough times it will move on to find a new host.
the goal is to not have emotions controlling me. the goal is to have peace of mind. things that control me are not my core. my core is unshakable, is peaceful and free.
to be in a moment of clarity, or wise mind, neither rationalizing nor emotionalizing, is a beautiful moment.
wise mind comes out of nothing and holds nothing and lets everything else go, live wind rolling over a field of grass, rolling away and the grass dances to and fro in the breath. to be without emotion is to be with the truth. emotion changes what is to what can be or what should be, etc. not what is.
she walks along a wooded path
she is barefoot and the moss is soft and cool
there are birds singing
the sunlight is warm through the trees
the soft yellow light dances
she finds an aged stump
the wood has become softened
there are fanned white mushrooms spiraling its base
she sits comfortably
and looks up through the trees at the slowly moving clouds
and she knows she is ok
there is a breeze that moves through her hair
she gets up
and continues to walk along the path
the earth is cool under her feet
the sun is warm
the clouds drift by
emotions can stream through me, like clouds passing through the sky, but i let them go and do not hold on to them. to be removed, but to not be a ghost. do not be a ghost among people. be completely yet be like fluid; again like those clouds. so you become an inner sky of clouds and your body becomes a cloud itself, not clinging to anything, but floating past things are they meet you. and when an emotion arises, I breathe and let it pass, whatever emotion it may be. its a new realm to realize that i am not my emotions, that they do not have to control me, that 'this too' really 'shall pass'. and when they increase in frequency, like the waves of a sea, i just breathe and let them float through and out of me. i give them no mind, no attention and so they move along and i have not acted upon them. when they become strong, i will be tested, strong emotions, like giant waves, but i can't be moved. i will let them pass over me and like any large wave, there may be pain at first. but the emotion is just something that attaches to me in this example like a leech. if i pick it off my skin enough times it will move on to find a new host.
the goal is to not have emotions controlling me. the goal is to have peace of mind. things that control me are not my core. my core is unshakable, is peaceful and free.
to be in a moment of clarity, or wise mind, neither rationalizing nor emotionalizing, is a beautiful moment.
wise mind comes out of nothing and holds nothing and lets everything else go, live wind rolling over a field of grass, rolling away and the grass dances to and fro in the breath. to be without emotion is to be with the truth. emotion changes what is to what can be or what should be, etc. not what is.
she walks along a wooded path
she is barefoot and the moss is soft and cool
there are birds singing
the sunlight is warm through the trees
the soft yellow light dances
she finds an aged stump
the wood has become softened
there are fanned white mushrooms spiraling its base
she sits comfortably
and looks up through the trees at the slowly moving clouds
and she knows she is ok
there is a breeze that moves through her hair
she gets up
and continues to walk along the path
the earth is cool under her feet
the sun is warm
the clouds drift by
Monday, May 4, 2009
to stop
do you understand what it means to not stop tapping your foot
to not be able to focus
to feel pain in your body and think the worst
i am free and i well i am free i am well
but i cannot stop moving
which makes it hard to get any work done
so right now as my legs dance under my desk i'll write about it
one must always have goals
my goal is to ride the MS 150 bike ride this fall like i did last year
my goal is to battle and beat the bulge
my goal is to become stronger
my goal is to work out every day (I'm doing well on this goal)
my goal is to keep having goals
my goal is to enjoy each day, each moment, every second
my goal is to realize that fear is just anticipation, EXCITEMENT
i am happy with what life has given me
i am lucky and i am free
i have strength and hope and drive
and i will love every day, every moment of my life
the beauty of it all really is quite awesome
Skinnier, Faster, Live at the B.P.C.
Melissa Ferrick is playing and I am in bliss
xo my loves
to not be able to focus
to feel pain in your body and think the worst
i am free and i well i am free i am well
but i cannot stop moving
which makes it hard to get any work done
so right now as my legs dance under my desk i'll write about it
one must always have goals
my goal is to ride the MS 150 bike ride this fall like i did last year
my goal is to battle and beat the bulge
my goal is to become stronger
my goal is to work out every day (I'm doing well on this goal)
my goal is to keep having goals
my goal is to enjoy each day, each moment, every second
my goal is to realize that fear is just anticipation, EXCITEMENT
i am happy with what life has given me
i am lucky and i am free
i have strength and hope and drive
and i will love every day, every moment of my life
the beauty of it all really is quite awesome
Skinnier, Faster, Live at the B.P.C.
Melissa Ferrick is playing and I am in bliss
xo my loves
Bonsai Trees
I have always been fascinated with the bonsai tree. I have raised a couple in the past but they take a LOT of work. I'd like to try to raise another one soon.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
i take
i take what i cannot give back
i want what i cannot afford
i am free
i lie like the world owes it to me
i run like there's no reason to stop
i fly
this word breaks open the shell
this word ignites the night
this world gives and takes
and smiles
and so do i
i want what i cannot afford
i am free
i lie like the world owes it to me
i run like there's no reason to stop
i fly
this word breaks open the shell
this word ignites the night
this world gives and takes
and smiles
and so do i
Friday, May 1, 2009
Native Americans
I have always been fascinated. I am convinced my Dad is an adopted Native American.
a time
a time worth
she flies
it is said and it is spoken
rise
this sheltered white wall
this breezeway
long corridor and silence
stalking walking the halls
not strapped down but striding
this still bed
this locked window
my hours my life
is on a schedule
the nurse is there
15 minutes my demise
they clock you
watch you and record you
this soft quiet moment alone
this chair this group and the outbursts
the silence and the books
the food and the walls
and the walls
and the walls
i caught myself pacing my day nine
like a wild tiger
circling the walls
tagging one end and pacing to the next
the screams from the other floors
the silence in my brain
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication
10 days broke open
and i wonder if she still is there
waiting for her baby
waiting for a diagnoses
waiting to escape
she is the golden cat now
the stillness and the walls
and i am walking headlong into the wind in February
with my back to the place that made me still
-hc 13feb-23feb
she flies
it is said and it is spoken
rise
this sheltered white wall
this breezeway
long corridor and silence
stalking walking the halls
not strapped down but striding
this still bed
this locked window
my hours my life
is on a schedule
the nurse is there
15 minutes my demise
they clock you
watch you and record you
this soft quiet moment alone
this chair this group and the outbursts
the silence and the books
the food and the walls
and the walls
and the walls
i caught myself pacing my day nine
like a wild tiger
circling the walls
tagging one end and pacing to the next
the screams from the other floors
the silence in my brain
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication
the stillness of medication
10 days broke open
and i wonder if she still is there
waiting for her baby
waiting for a diagnoses
waiting to escape
she is the golden cat now
the stillness and the walls
and i am walking headlong into the wind in February
with my back to the place that made me still
-hc 13feb-23feb
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Coaching and update
I am a volunteer swim coach for a kids swim team at the Hatboro YMCA. Another very rewarding (but hot!) job. I've cut my coaching days from 4 days a week down to 2 days a week (tuesday and thurdsay). I will soon be taking a lifeguard course and I'll be a certified lifegaurd. (I'm already certified in CPR, First Aid, and Administering O2). Then I'll coach this summer (and be paid) in the mornings at 7am-8am before work. It will be at the outside pool so hopefully it will be less hot being so ealy in the AM! Luckily, Gabe likes swimming and he is on the team. He is also trying out for travel soccer and he is finishing up track. I think I am insane and am creating a scheduling nightmare if he were to make travel soccer (a year round affair), and swimming. Oh well, its all good and it keeps him from becoming one of those skateboarding kids who eventually smoke early and do drugs (no offense, I was one of them).
Thanks for listening. Love you all.
Thanks for listening. Love you all.
Thursdays
Thursdays for an hour I sit in a chapel and pray. I am not sure how I got into this but I am the adorer from 11-12pm every Thursday at the chapel. This means that I must be there to pray for the sick and dying. And so I do. I've say the rosary during my chapel times and I meditate afterwards and pray for my family and friends. And if no one else is in the chapel praying, I'll talk outloud to God. Its pretty moving. And there are always fresh flowers on the alter and they smell divine. Its a quiet small room, not really a large chapel, but it is available for all to come and sit 24 hours a day. Every hour there is an adorer who sits watch over the chapel. So I have an important job at 11am every Thursday. I'll say a little prayer for you too.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
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